Dear baby girl,
Today has been a day..
I saw a meme earlier that said “me looking out the window to see what chapter of revelations were on” followed by a notification on my phone that read “trending on Reddit- how could 2020 get any worse?”
The memes are commonplace these days. People use humor to mask fear or simply to have a moment of lightheartedness amidst the what seems to be the longest year in history. But the memes aren’t all.
Last night I put my phone down and said to your dad, how can simply being on social media wear a person out this much?
I was exhausted, I am exhausted. Can I be honest ? Every time I hear people joke about what an awful year its been it stings a little. After all, this is the year that gave me you.
But I understand , people are suffering. I pray for healing. It hurts my heart and makes me leery of the future.
Sometimes that fear is a fleeting moment followed by a reminder to myself that I must remain faithful. Faithful and hopeful.
Sometimes it’s not so fleeting and shakes me from my sleep in a cold sweat and panic. Are you ok?! Is your brother ok?!
I search the room frantically for you both and although I see you sleeping I know I won’t have the same luxury. It’s one of those nights.
The kind I hope will be left behind in 2020.
But I hope you know it wasn’t all bad.
Those moments taught us something that made the world a better place .
Quarantine taught us to treasure what we have, to be grateful and resourceful and not take a day for granted. It taught us to not take loved ones for granted. Amidst social distancing we learned to come closer together in spirit. To treasure little moments like evening strolls through the neighborhood, waving to our neighbors from a distance. The same people who were complete strangers only a few weeks ago now recognized us from our daily walks. They noticed you getting bigger, acknowledged it and smiled. A genuine smile that only the simple things in life can inspire.
The injustices against the black community taught us when to stop and listen and also when to act. It taught us that knowing something is wrong isn’t enough and it’s up to us to stand against racism and be a part of the solution.
I hope that by the time you read this the unjust way that black lives are treated will be a thing of the past. I hope you’ll look back on it in history books the way we look back on women not being able to vote and say “I can’t believe that used to be a thing” and I hope you know you were there, snug inside your carrier while we filled the streets and demanded change.
Lastly, I hope you know there were many silver lining moments in our year because of you.
When you almost didn’t make it in that hospital bed and grasped my hand with all your might after what felt like an eternity of stillness. You held me with more strength than I knew fit inside such a small body. As if you knew you were born with purpose.
When you gave us your first toothless smile and I scrambled in a panic to catch it on camera only to get a blurry shot.
When I looked at the closet full of cute baby girl clothes knowing we had nowhere to go because of quarantine so I took them out and dressed you up anyway.
And as I took pictures of you in them I imagined us here years later, trying on clothes, giggling and talking about where you were wearing them to and the plans you had. Admiring how beautiful you are . How beautiful you’ve always been.
And though the year isn’t over I have hope. You’ve given me that.
I look down on you sleeping on my chest and sigh with relief. I take in this moment of peace and calm.
This is the year that gave me hope
This is the year that made me a better person
This is the year that gave me you
What a blessing.